When I'm happy, I never write in my journal because I'm too busy being happy. When I'm annoyed, or angry, or stressed, I often find time to write. I'm not actually always annoyed, I just think I write most in my journal when I'm annoyed.
But for the past couple of months, I've just been sad. And I'm spending all of my energy pretending to everyone that I'm not actually sad. The good part of that is that my life has pretty much carried on as normal, and my relationship with my boyfriend is fine, and I'm becoming great friends with my new roommates, and my students last quarter and this quarter think I'm great, and I went to holiday parties, and I'm a "visiting member" of the Eugene roller derby league this quarter, I'm giving an invited talk to the honors college this quarter, I'm on the Graduate School Advisory Board...
After all of that social time (which isn't actually that many hours of any week) I'm just so tired from not being sad in front of everyone. No wonder depressed people are so depressing; it takes so much energy to be anything else. I haven't gotten anything done for my thesis in god knows how long. My thesis makes me sad. Tegula are now Chlorostoma and that makes me sad. The news makes me sad. The economy makes me sad. The environment makes me sad. I've even started letting the dog sleep on the bed because I can't stand the sad face she makes at me if I don't let her. My boyfriend doesn't want to cat sit for Aeneas anymore because he cries all the time when I'm not there, and that kind of makes me sad too.
I would really like to spend all of my time sleeping. When I can't be sleeping, I want to be doing something that isn't going to make me sad. I can't think of what that is right now, but I sure would like to do it.
I don't think I'm actually depressed, since I seem pretty much normal to everybody else, and I think if I was really depressed, I wouldn't actually be able to hide it.
So... I don't know. Which is pretty much what I say these days.
Maybe I'll be posting more soon, something of a grander nature.
On January 7th, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC), (Anonymous) commented:
Sounds like you're depressed, my dear - take it from someone in the same boat - it takes a lot of energy to hide it, but it is possible. The interesting thing is that when you stop trying to hide it, people tend to be really supportive, and tend to share their own stories of being depressed/anxious/overwhelmed/etc. Maybe it's weird, but when that happens I feel less sad. Or less lonely, at any rate. But whatever label you put on it, it's ok to be sad, and there's nothing wrong with *you* - even if you decide to get help in the form of counselling/herbs/meds/etc - as Joanna Macy said, despair is a sane reaction to an insane world.
Anyway, sorry to hear you're feeling down, but I hope we can catch up soon.... A good long moany phone call ;-) Til then, big big hugs. Give Selkie a cuddle for me :-)