To the girl with the cleavage tattoo:
That tattoo may (although I sincerely doubt it) made your cleavage look awesome in your senior prom dress, or whatever evening wear you usually wear. But the rest of the time, especially in the swimming pool, it makes you look pretty tacky.
To the couple in the next lane:
Couples shouldn't try to teach each other skills. I have been down that road, and it never ends well. College girl, you are a beautiful and talented swimmer. If you really love him, you'll buy him swim lessons rather than trying to teach him. Then you can spend your time together actually enjoying each other, rather than fighting about whether or not he's breathing at the right time.
To the extremely pregnant lady in the bikini:
You look (and smell) like a dirty Eugene hippie. You probably believe in water birth. You look ready to pop. Please do not do it during my morning lap swim.
To the extremely muscular man with the fake tan:
You do not belong in my lane. I am swimming in the lane marked "Fast". You are not a fast swimmer and I don't want to share my lane with you. You may, on occasion, use your superior muscle mass to pass me while I'm using the kick board. But you have no endurance, you cannot complete a flip turn, and you're pushing yourself through the water with brute force rather than swimming. You are splashing excessively and annoying me. Yes, I am a girl, and yes, I have noticed you have a problem with this. Please put your dick back into your speedo and move to a different lane.
To my swim cap:
Please stop sliding off of my head. Backstroke is my best stroke and your constant defection from your job is seriously throwing off my groove. I will replace you if needed.